I’m 20 and I’ve realised that I have no idea how to talk to people.
Believe me, they’ll bury you in it. The Applicant by Sylvia Plath
When an especially prickly DP warms up to me on set…
I am so tired. There was no reason for that pre-light to take 6 fricking hours.
I’ve been pretty absent recently, in all aspects of life. My panic attacks just seem to be getting worse and I don’t really know what to do. I started having severe ones everyday again, which make me twitch and loose my speech. Last week I ended up having to go to A&E because someone found me on the floor in the toilets at uni and called an ambulance because they thought I was having a seizure.
All the doctors can say, is to keep taking my medication and it should hopefully get better soon. But it makes uni so impossible, especially lectures and any written work/deadlines-I’m always so terrified they’re going to kick me out.
Our film rushes crit from our 1st year Drama is on Tuesday and I know that all I’m going to do till then is have panic attacks about it, because I’m not as good as the other students: so I’m going home and to work and do my design CW for the deadline next Friday.
I’m so sick of panic attacks. I just want to be back on a film set behind the camera.
Stop it LEE
It’s crazy and ridiculous. I’m trying to write an incredibly important essay for tomorrow, but every 5 minutes I keep drifting off and day dreaming about the cinematography for our drama we’re shooting next week. I’m so excited about it, I don’t feel like I’ve really got to DoP something properly at uni yet, and just keep thinking about lighting and gels and lenses and filters and making sure we’ve got the best of everything.
Final changes are being made to the script and it will be finished by tomorrow.
We’re pre-lighting a couple of scenes that have already been fixed on Friday, and the church asap. I need to call them and find out the breakage for the fuse.
I’ve been working on a few things with the 2nd years, and outside uni at NFTS, everyone I meet is so lovely, talented and amazing. It’s incredible because the next thing I’m working on with the 2nd years, they’ve asked be to be best boy/temp gaffer-so that me and about 3 sparks will go and pre-light the next location for the DoP. Then when they arrive the official gaffer, who is a 2nd year will take over from me. I was promoted from spark to best boy on the 2nd day of the last production I worked on. The DoP was really kind and grateful for my help on set and bought me an Easter Egg (above) as a thank you present! :D (Thanks James!)
Anyway, it’s scary because, I asked someone from my class to be my spark on the last thing I worked on, and he was really impressed with what I knew. He’s now told some people in my class that I’m amazing (which I’m really, really not). Someone asked me today about what books to read and we were talking about a scene that he has to do and the style of lighting that he needs. They were really convinced that I knew what I was talking about, and now they have really high expectations of me, and now I have to make sure that I live up to them! I want to be the best that I can be!!!
I’m really sorry for this dull and boring post. I haven’t had a lot of sleep recently.